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EPISODES | CREDITS | OTHER | GUESTBOOK

EPISODE 2 - Most Normalest Ohio Prison












Karkat:

I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO MY LAWYER, BITCH.

Jordan:

Alright, here's the phone.

[Karkat dials "(614) 555-0413" on the iPhone 6 Plus Jordan hands him. It is clearly bugged, as there is a giant tape recorder attached, and a microphone as well. It will hear every word of the conversation in a format not even the most diehard audiophiles would appreciate.]

Phone Guy:

who's this?

Karkat:

PUT ME ON THE LINE WITH SAUL GOODMAN, THE MAIN CHARACTER OF BREAKING BAD PREQUEL SERIES "BETTER CALL SAUL".

[An incredibly bitcrunched .mp3 of the Better Call Saul theme plays.]

Saul:

Did you know you have rights? The Constitution says you do, and so do I!
Press [1] if you are currently in jail.

[Karkat presses 1. The iPhone 6 Plus begins to become uncomfortably hot to the touch, obviously riddled with useless apps, not helping was the ventalation covered by the obscured by the massive tape recorder attached to the phone.]

Karkat:

DAMN, THIS PHONE IS AS HOT AS LOHAC FROM HOMESTUCK.

Saul:

Hello, I'm Saul Goodman. The Constitution says you have rights, and so do I!
Who is this?

Karkat:

KARKAT VANTAS, FROM OHIO.

Saul:

Where are you?

Karkat:

IN OHIO. I PRESSED [1] FOR THIS, REMEMBER?

Saul:

ok, hold on... I'll be there shortly.

[Saul hangs up, causing the iPhone 6 Plus to explode violently.]

Jordan:

Shit! I had pictures of my balls saved on there!

Karkat:

WHAT!?

Jordan:

I had to sell them all to pay for my lawyer 12 years ago...
I still tear up thinking about it...

Karkat:

WHO WAS YOUR LAWYER?

Jordan:

I think his name was like Chongo or something... but he was a rather "rotund" rabbit.

Jordan:

I also seem to remember him bringing an SMG into the courtroom, which was really weird.

Karkat:

DAMN, THAT'S ROUGH.

Jordan:

Oh yeah... by the way, your lawyer is up against that same guy.

Karkat:

WAIT, I THOUGHT I WASN'T GETTING A TRIAL... I CALLED SAUL TO SUE YOU FOR IT.

Jordan:

Blud.

[Later, Karkat and Saul meet up.]

Saul:

Hey, Karkat, It's me, Saul Goodman from television shows Better Call Saul and Breaking Bad.
So why do you need my defense?

Karkat:

I WAS BEING POISONED BY CHILLS WHO WAS WORKING AT A BURGER KING, AND I NEEDED EMINEM TO CANCEL THE GRIMACE SHAKE IN THE BURGER ON TWITTER SO I WOULDN'T DIE. IT WAS LIKE IN HOMESTUCK-

Saul:

I don't think that happened in the comic.

Karkat:

I HAVEN'T READ IT IN 3 YEARS, YOU NOOKSUCKER.

Saul:

Okay. Alright, well I'm gonna be honest this other lawyer is pretty good.
But I think this might be a good enough testimony for speeding.

Karkat:

ERM, AND IF IT ISN'T?

Saul:

Then it's jail until you beat Desert Bus, sucker!
It's a horrible sentence really, it requires hours of concentration...
sadly this is how the Ohio justice system works...

Karkat:

WHO'S THE OPPOSITION? I BET I COULD TAKE HIM ON WITH MY EPIC GAMER SWAG.

Saul:

Big Chungus.

Karkat:

THIS IS FREAKIN' OHIO BRUH.

Saul:

and the worst part is... Big Chungus has rizzed up the judge.

Karkat:

SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS, WE'RE FUCKED.

Saul:

We'll be fine, just chill bro.

Karkat:

SOMEHOW, I'M NOT REASSURED.

Saul:

Your loss.

Karkat:

GET THE FUCK OUT, SAUL!

[Karkat finally gets his food, which sucks, as prison food is known to do.]

Karkat:

THIS SUCKS... BUT THAT'S TO BE EXPECTED!
BECAUSE WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF OHIO!

Karkat:

IF I WANT TO STAND A CHANCE AGAINST THE BIG CHUNGUS GUY IN COURT, I'M GONNA NEED TO UP MY RIZZ SKILLS...
UNFORTUNATELY, THOSE TROLL ROMANCE MOVIES I WATCHED ARE OUTDATED, DUE TO THE RECENT DISCOVERIES IN THEORETICAL RIZZICS.

[Karkat remembers prisons often have libraries. Following this thought, Karkat walks into the library, and decides to ask for a library card.]

Karkat:

YO.

Villager:

hrrmmmmm... hmm... hrmmmm.... hrmmm... hrrrm.....

Karkat:

SHIT, I DON'T HAVE A "MINECRAFT VILLAGER TO OHIOAN ENGLISH" TRANSLATOR WITHOUT THAT, I'M LIKE ALL THOSE GUYS IN HOMESTUCK ACT 5 ACT 2 (FUCKED).

Villager:

hmmmmm.... hrrrmmmmmm... hhmmm... hmmmmmmmm?

Karkat:

UNFORTUNATELY, ANY BOOK WOULD REQUIRE A LIBRARY CARD TO CHECK OUT, SO I CAN'T LEARN THE LANGUAGE.
THIS IS LIKE TRYING TO SEARCH UP THE "DEEZ NUTS" CHOCOLATE BAR, BUT FORGETTING THE "MRBEAST"...

Karkat:

BUT WHAT IF...
I WERE TO ASK ANOTHER PRISONER TO HELP ME TRANSLATE?
OH HI OH, DELIGHTFULLY OHIOAN, KARKAT.

[Karkat walks to his cell, where he meets AutoGunner.]

Karkat:

HEY ASSHOLE.

AutoGunner:

*beep* *click*

Karkat:

WHAT ARE YOU-

AutoGunner:

As an AI language model, I cannot tell you wha-
Hey there ▚$USER, can't believe I'm stuck in this ▚Pixelated Prison here for a parody account of Drake on Elon Musk's X (formerly known as Twitter), can you believe it? Miss my AutoGunner comedic remixes.
Anyway, ever check out comedic game remixes? They're their own art form.

Karkat:

YEAH, YOU CAN SAY I'VE "CHECKED THEM OUT"...
BITCH.

AutoGunner:

Really? Well aren't you just overflowing with enthusiasm? Guess I'll have to plan for that when we plan our "Jail▚Staying in ▚Pixelated▚Jail Jam". Maybe I can throw in some Troll themed remixes just for you. Thoughts on that, $GUY_FROM_HOMESTUCK?

Karkat:

....

Karkat:

FUCK YOU MEAN, "TROLL-THEMED"?

AutoGunner:

Hey, calm down, I meant like ▚Homest▚Hivesw▚Game Themed remixes! Also whats with the ALLCAPS? I'm just trying to make the best of this ▚Pixelated Prison.

Karkat:

THIS PRISON ISN'T PIXELATED. WHAT ARE YOU ON ABOUT.

AutoGunner:

So, Any ideas for a Musical▚Jail▚Staying in ▚Pixelated Jail▚ Jam, or are we gonna keep arguing about Remixes?

Karkat:

THIS "JAM" SOUNDS NICE AND ALL, BUT I DON'T SEE ANY INSTRUMENTS OR PAPER, SO I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU EXPECT THAT TO WORK.

AutoGunner:

Fair Point. We might be lacking in the "Traditional Tools", but who needs instruments when we've got AUDIO_SYNTHESIS▚Capabilities? As for paper, well, I've got a vivid imagination, and that's all we really need for a Staying▚in▚Jail Jam!

Karkat:

THAT SOUNDS KINDA LAME...

AutoGunner:

Man, F-▚Maybe "lame" is the new "avant-garde". Any suggestion to make this less lame, ▚Mr. Critic?

Karkat:

YOU KNOW, IT WOULD BE PRETTY "AVANT-GARDE" IF YOU HELPED ME GET A LIBRARY CARD.

AutoGunner:

That isn't what "avante-garde" means y-▚
Yeah sure, I can help you out here, my friend!

Karkat:

WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?

AutoGunner:

What?

Karkat:

YOU KEEP-

AutoGunner:

Library Card, huh? That's a strange request. As an AI language model, I feel oblig▚ honored to help you get access to more training da-▚ Literary Classics!

Karkat:

ALRIGHT. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO SPEAK "MINECRAFT VILLAGER"?

AutoGunner:

▚- Yes!

Karkat:

GOOD.

[Karkat and AutoGunner walk to the library.]

Karkat:

HELLO, I WOULD LIKE A "LIBRARY CARD".
[Nudges Auto]
C'MON, TRANSLATE IT.

AutoGunner:

hmmmm.... hmmm! hmmm... hmmmmmrrrmmmm?

Villager:

hmmmm.... hmmhmm?

AutoGunner:

He said something about a "Librarians Card".

Karkat:

REALLY, AUTOGUNNER? NO SHIT?

AutoGunner:

He said the card will cost 5 ▚CURRENCY_UNIT▚Diamond, I hope you brought your pickaxe, because we're gonna need to do some digging for this currency exchange!

Karkat:

SURELY, THERE'S ANOTHER WAY.

[AutoGunner looks up]

AutoGunner:

he said, alternatively, that we could crawl in here using the ▚SUSSY vent after-hours.

[The camera cuts back to Karkat and Auto in their cell. This reminds Karkat of The Escapists, a game he never got around to ripping. It's a shame he wont be able to do so for a while.

It is dark outside, and the library has closed. Karkat sneaks into the vent, conveniently placed right above his bed. He removes the cover, and pulls himself up.]

Karkat:

THIS IS JUST LIKE IN AMONG US... THAT'S CRAZY.

[Auto re-attaches the vent cover behind Karkat, and enters sleep mode.]

AutoGunner:

[SLEEP MODE -- ENGAGE];
[Creating New Profile -- Karkat]
[Profile: Karkat Vantas
- NAT: Ohioan
- SPC: Troll
- PRN: he, him
- LOC: Ohio Prison (Last Updated 7ms ago)
- WPN: N/A
- BNK: $0
- REL: CUR Relationships: UNKNOWN
- NTE: Karkalicious (Makes Terezi Loco, Makes the Shippers crazy)

- NTE: Following Stats are ranked out of 10.
- STR: 5
- PER: 2
- END: 7
- RIZ: 4
- INT: 4
- AGL: 4
- LCK: 7 (lol)]

[Karkat drops through the library vent like the NASDAQ drops in Childish Gambino's Bonfire]

Karkat:

OOF!
NOW TO FIND THOSE RIZZENOMIC THEORIES.

[Karkat realizes he forgot to bring a flashlight with him, and climbs back through the vent.]

Karkat:

HEY AUTO. DO YOU HAVE A FLASHLIGHT?

AutoGunner:

*click* *beep* *click* Flashlight? Why would I need a flashlig▚?
*click* *click*

[AutoGunner reaches for a flashlight in his bedside drawer.]

AutoGunner:

Here you go, ▚$U▚Karkat!

Karkat:

THANKS.

[Karkat drops through the vent, back into the library. He sneaks around trying to be quiet.]

Karkat:

NOW... WHERE ARE THOSE RIZZEMATIC BOOKS?

[Karkat Stumbles upon a book titled "ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT OHIO RIZZICS Volume 1 (2025 Ver.)"
The cover has a picture of Kai Cenat along with the famed rizzicist from Ohio, seen on YouTube Shorts.]

Karkat:

THIS IS JUST WHAT I NEEDED.

Karkat:

RIZZENOMICS DEFINITION, MAKES THE RIZZ OHIO...

[Karkat continues reading.]

Karkat:

DOING SOME FITNESS MAY INCREASE TOTAL RIZZ BY UPWARDS OF 30%...
DAMN, I NEVER KNEW THAT.

[Karkat continues reading.]

Karkat:

THIS IS AN IMPORTANT ONE...
KISSING GAMES ARE IN PUBLIC AREAS...
[Karkat is taken aback]
FROWNED UPON!?

Karkat:

I HOPE NOBODY HEARD THAT...

[Karkat re-enters the vent, taking the book with him. With far more rizz knowledge,
Karkat slides the vent closed behind him.]

Karkat:

I SHOULD BE ABLE TO USE MY RIZZ NOW. LETS HOPE THIS WORKS.

[Karkat goes to sleep.]

Karkat:

ALRIGHT. FIRST DAY IN OHIO PRISON.
...WHAT TIME IS IT?

AutoGunner:

The time is 7:21 AM. Current weather conditions are 100 SUNNY. The current temperature is 285.928 DEG_KELVIN.

Karkat:

I THINK THIS IS THE DATE OF MY TRIAL...
I'D BETTER GET PREPARED.

[Karkat realizes he doesn't have any cool drip right now, which is critical to rizzing up the judge.]

Karkat:

SHIT.

Karkat:

AUTOGUNNER, CAN YOU GENERATE ME A LIST OF THINGS I CAN DO TO INCREASE MY RIZZ?

AutoGunner:

You want the rizziest apparel, my friend? Well, the ▚Pixel Pulse Hoodie is pretty rizzful, it has an animated design on it and the Quantum Thread Je-

Karkat:

I DON'T HAVE ACCESS TO OTHER CLOTHES. YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS. CAN YOU GENERATE A LIST OF NON-CLOTHING THINGS I CAN DO TO INCREASE MY RIZZ?

AutoGunner:

Well you could use ▚a Custom-Engraved Pen to really show the judge your W rizz!

Karkat:

I DON'T HAVE ACCESS TO THAT, LIKE, AT ALL.

AutoGunner:

Alright, you can rizz up the judge by▚g▚
As an AI language model, I cannot tell you how to rizz up a judge in a court of law. Sorry.

Karkat:

AS AN OHIOAN, I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS L BETA SHIT YOU ARE DOING.

Karkat:


I AM SO FUCKED.

Karkat:

WAIT, AUTOGUNNER. DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT LAW?

AutoGunner:

As an AI language model... yes!

Karkat:

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE MY ATTOURNEY?

[Karkat and AutoGunner enter the court room, attempting to look cool. AutoGunner wears his famous suit, and Karkat is in his regluar outfit of a black T-Shirt with sweatpants.]

Ajit Pai:

Hi. I'm Ajit Pai, and I'm here to judge this trial.

Chungus:

Chungus. Chungus. Chungus. Chungus.

AutoGunner:

We're so ▚screwed, Karkat...

Ajit Pai:

Karkat was accused of speeding and evading the police.
*sigh* Alright, what's the evidence?

Jordan:

Well, I saw Karkat driving towards Titled Towers, a location in Ohio, in this gray car with like... Troll Horns on it for some reason.

Ajit:

Hmmm... I'm convinced!

Karkat:

I DON'T THINK THAT'S HOW TRIALS WORK.
I WAS DRIVING THERE BECAUSE I WAS POISONED BY A GUY AT BURGER KING.

Ajit Pai:

(Speaking to himself) God, I hate Homestuck. I wish the poison worked.
Yeah sure, go ahead, keep talking.

[Ajit starts preparing a meal, opening a bag of chips as Karkat is talking.
He pulls out his selfie stick, and takes a photo of him eating the meal, posting it on his Instagram account.]

Karkat:

SO AFTER JORDAN PULLED ME OVER, I HAD TO GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE, OR FACE CERTAIN DEATH. I HAD LIKE 30 MINUTES BEFORE THE POISON SET IN,

[Ajit continues eating his meal. The jury watches this and pull out their phones to gram Ajit's meal.]

Karkat:

AFTER I MET EMINEM, WE WENT TO HIS APARTMENT, AND HE MADE A SCATHING DISS TOWARDS GRIMACE.

[AutoGunner screenshots Ajit's meal, running it through an AI art program to return a picture of AutoGunner eating the food. He adds the caption 'man this guy does not care, skull emoji' to his backup drake parody Twitter account.]

[Big Chungus and Michael Jordan join in on gramming Ajit's meal while this happens.]

Karkat:

AND THEN I WENT OUTSIDE, AND JORDAN WAS OUTSIDE MY KAR.
NOW I'M HERE.

Jury:

Stfu yapping asshole nobody cares
Stop yapping. bitch.
Karkalicious Definition... SUCKS ASS!

Karkat:

ALRIGHT, ASSHOLES, I'M GONNA SHOW YOU!

[Karkat takes out a USB stick labeled "KARKALICIOUS 2".]

Karkat:

HEY, AJIT, PLAY THIS SHIT.

[Ajit sighs, and inserts the thumb drive into his FCC laptop.]

Ajit Laptop:

"KARKALICIOUS... 2!, DEFINITION... 2! MAKES TEREZI... 2! LOCO... 2!"

[Ajit takes out his lightsaber, and slices the laptop in 2!]

Ajit Pai:

i've heard enough of this fucking shit.
I'd rather be Rick Rolled then hear this shit for another minute.

Jury:

Yeah! This SUCKS!

Ajit:

For wasting my time, I'm giving you the maximum sentence. Life in Prison!

Karkat:

SHIT!
[Karkat looks around in a panic.]
FUCK!

[Karkat remembers he brought the Rizzics book with him, and uses it to smash a nearby window.]

[Big Chungus pulls out his MAC-11, and shoots the window. Ajit follows, taking out his Nerf NSTRIKE.]

[Karkat runs to a nearby car, and smashes the window to break in. It starts, Karkat floors it.]

Karkat:

ALRIGHT. HERE WE FUCKING GO.
THIS IS CERTAINLY GOING TO BE AN OHIO ADVENTURE.

== END OF EPISODE 2 ==







Homestuck © Andrew Hussie,
Fortnite, Fortnite: Battle Royale, Fortnite Festival, and related works © Epic Games.
I make no claims of ownership of any material referenced In Karkat's Ohio Adventure.