The Chase - Karkat's Ohio Adventure

[Karkat drives away from the courtroom, crashing into cars, people, and other things. A trail of destruction follows him, much like in the Tim Walz AOC Crazy Taxi stream.]

Karkat:

GOD DAMN IT. SHIT JUST KEEPS GETTING WORSE FOR ME BECAUSE OF THESE IDIOTIC FUCKING NOOKSUCKERS.
CALL THIS SHIT A ROOMBA FACTORY THE WAY THESE DAMN MORONS ONLY KNOW HOW TO SUCK SHIT.

[Back in the courtroom, Ajit is clearly pissed off.]

Ajit Pai:	That Home-FUCK got away! Redditors, assemble!
Big Chungus:	Eheheheheh, I bet I'll get some updoots from this one!

[Chungus shows off his Reddit gold, before driving off after Karkat.]

Ajit:	As for you, AutoGunner...
Ajit:	Lets just say you wont be running that second Drake Twitter Parody account.

[Ajit hits Auto with the back of his N-STRIKE, knocking him out.]

Meanwhile, back on the road, Chungus' car is right behind Karkat's, Big Chungus takes shots at Karkat's vehicle with his MAC-11 submachine gun.]

Karkat:

THIS IS FUCKED!
THIS IS WORSE THAN THE TIME I GOT BANNED FROM THE HOMESTUCK CONVENTION!

[Karkat remembers performing a parody of Astronaut in the Ocean with new lyrics based on Homestuck, When suddenly, a bucket is thrown at him from the crowd by a dissenter.
Karkat parried the bucket back into the crowd, and on impact, it explodes into shrapnel, injuring several fans.

From that day forward, Karkat's life would never be the same.]

Karkat:

THERE'S NO WAY I CAN GET THIS GUY OFF MY ASS...
UNLESS...

[Karkat looks in the glovebox, only to find a small bucket.]

Karkat:	OF FUCKING COURSE. HOMESTUCK CONVENTION BULLSHIT IS MY DEUS EX MACHINA. FUCKING DIVINE INTERVENTION BY NONE OTHER THAN KAI CENAT.
Karkat:	FUCK THIS SHIT.

[Karkat throws the bucket towards Big Chungus' vehicle, it crashes through the windshield, and explodes in his face. The explosion sets off the car's airbags, causing Big Chungus' car to veer off the road, causing a 30 car pileup on the freeway below.]

[Karkat drives for a few more miles before pulling to the side of the road. In the back of the stolen car, he finds no more buckets, but a Glock-17 and OH$300.]

Karkat:

WHY THE HELL WAS THE GUN IN THE BACK AND THE DAMN BUCKET UP FRONT?
THANKS KAI. VERY HELPFUL.

[Karkat readies the glock. He almost starts driving again, only to see a certain someone appear in the distance.]

Karkat:	OMORIBOY?
Omoriboy:	Karkat?
Omoriboy:	(to himself) I don't get paid enough to go against someone who I shared soy with all those years ago. How can I do this without losing all my Karma?
Karkat:	...

[Karkat points his Glock-17 at Omoriboy.]

Omoriboy:	So... are you still 'Karkalicious', asshat?
Karkat:	FUCK YOU BITCH! IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU DECIDING TO MOVE TO OHIO, WE WOULDN'T BE IN THIS GYATT-DAMNED SITUATION! DAMN YOU, YOU FUCKING BITCH!!
Omoriboy:	sigh... Karkat, as much as I hate you, I wasn't given nearly enough to kill someone I shared the soy with. The OHFCC is a very powerful force, Karkat. Their influence is wide, and their motives clear. I don't kill you, and they find out? ... Well, that's not a risk I can take.

[Omoriboy Contemplates for a second.]

Omoriboy:	Alright, asshole. If you updoot my posts, and give me soy, I wont kill you. infact, I'll help you.
Karkat:	YOU NOOKSUCKING BITCH... FINE. WHATEVER. AS IF THIS DAY COULDN'T FALL FURTHER INTO THE GARBAGE CAN THAT IS OHIO.

[Omoriboy and Karkat lower their guns, and Omoriboy hands Karkat his iPhone.]

Omoriboy:	Log into your Reddit account and updoot all of my posts.
Karkat:	[Karkat logs into his account, CarcinoGenetishit697] YOU HAVE 340 POSTS IN THE SOY SUBREDDIT? NOT EVEN INCLUDING COMMENTS...
Omoriboy:	Shut up Karkat. I'll pop you right now if you make any more comments like that.
Omoriboy:	ALRIGHT...

[30 Minutes Later...]

Karkat:	THAT'S ALL OF THEM. DO YOU WANT THAT SOY NOW OR...
Omoriboy:	Later is fine, actually.

[Omoriboy wallks off. Karkat returns to his stolen car.]

Karkat:	WHAT A FUCKING ASSHOLE.
Karkat:	WELL, I CERTAINLY CAN'T GO BACK TO MY PLACE. AND I'M SURE THEY'VE GOT GUYS ALL OVER TILTED... TRULY, THIS IS OHIO. I'D BETTER FIND A PLACE TO GO FOR THE NIGHT.

[Meanwhile, in the FCC Headquarters...]

Omoriboy:	I found Karkat. You'll be pleased to know that he won't be bothering us anymore.
Ajit:	Good. Good. I'll give you your payment. Weird that you chose to be paid in... packages of soy, but alright. Hope you're okay with Lunchly brand. Oh, and here's your Reddit Platinum, as well.
Omoriboy:	Thanks.
Ajit:	I love being the OHFCC chairman. I should check on that AI-powered weapon.

[Ajit dials the tech department on his office phone.]

???:	yo, yo, yo! This Black Yoshi and D-Storm!
Ajit:	Shi- I think this is the wrong number.

[Ajit hangs up and dials the FCC's tech department.]

MrBeast:

Hello, Ajit! Welcome to the tech department! Chandler, Karl, and I have been hard at work making the new AI-powered robot you wanted.
You can find out about it's progress by inserting those 3 wacky numbers, along with a 16-digit security code.

[Ajit inserts the code 1234-5678=9101-1127, and then 533.]

MrBeast:	Accepted! Alright, progress is reaching 20% completion. We just need to work on adding the guns to this 'Auto-Gunner', so to speak. We've stress-tested the new chasis for the body ramming one of my 38 MrBeast-wrapped Lamborghini's into it, and it seems to hold up pretty well. Better than Karl did, at least.
Ajit:	Good. This is almost as good as that shake machine you guys set up in the employee lounge. Once this is out of beta and into sigma, I'll give you guys your bonuses.

[MrBeast and Co. are heard celebrating]

[Karkat drives to Cincinatti to find a place to stay for the night. He doesn't have cash aside from the 300 dollars he found in the back of the car.

... he needs it more than the original owners, anyways.]

Karkat:

CINCINATTI? SHIT.
WELL, WE AREN'T GETTING OUT OF OHIO WITH THE FCC ON MY ASS, THAT'S FOR SURE.
LETS TRY AND FIND A HOTEL TONIGHT, AT LEAST.

[Karkat walks into the hotel, conviently labeled "Hotel" in large red letters.]

Karkat:	YOU HAVE ANY ROOMS?
Villager:	Hrmmmhrrmmhrmmmm....
Karkat:	NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN.
Villager:	Huh?
Karkat:	DO YOU HAVE ANY ROOMS?
Villager:	Yeah, we have 3 rooms, each availible for 220 dollars a night.

[Karkat forks over 300 dollars to the Villager, recieving 79 dollars in change.
When he gets to his hotel room, he notices the 1 dollar "Fanum Tax" added to his bill.]

Karkat:

GYATT-DAMNED FANUM TAX.
... SPEAKING OF, I SURE COULD "FANUM TAX" A SLICE RiGHT ABOUT NOW.

[Karkat notices the takeout flyers in the hotel room next to the phone. He first sees one labeled Pizza Gyatt.
Karkat reflexively cringes at the art of a pepperoni pizza with a large ass with Kai Cenat staring at it. He mutters Only in Ohio to himself.]

[Karkat looks at another flyer for a "Pizza Tower.", and dials the establshment.]

???:	Hey, Bitch! this is Jessie, representing the O-H-I-O Pizza Tower. What can I get you to order?
Karkat:	YEAH I'D LIKE A PEPPERONI PIZZA. MEDIUM SIZED.
Jessie:	Aight bitch will that be all?

[Jessie grabs the pizza, and charges up a backwards long jump. after building up enough speed, he crashes through the wall of Karkat's hotel room with the pizza.]

Karkat:	MAMMA-MIA! WHAT THE FUCK-
Jessie:	Here's your order, bitch! that'll be OH$34.00.
Karkat:	THAT'S ABSURDLY EXPENSIVE FOR ONE PIZZA.
Jessie:	Unfortunately due to this fuckin' Ohio Inflation (and tarrifs on imported goods) the price of goods and services has gone up significantly, bi-atch.
Karkat:	DAMN INFLATION, I CAN'T EVEN FILL A BUCKET WITH GASOLINE WITHOUT GOING INTO CRIPPLING DEBT! I SWEAR TO CENAT, THE OHIO CEO CAN-
Jessie:	Where's my money, Bitch??

[Disgruntled, Karkat forks over the money.]

Karkat:

Y'KNOW, THIS PIZZA IS GIVING RIZZ. WAY BETTER THAN THAT BURGER I HAD YESTERDAY.
THIS IS SOME GOOD PIZZA.

[END OF EPISODE 3]

Homestuck © Andrew Hussie,
Fortnite, Fortnite: Battle Royale, Fortnite Festival, and related works © Epic Games.
I make no claims of ownership of any material referenced In Karkat's Ohio Adventure.